This is the 17th anniversary of the first run of MascotMatcher™, the system that uses mascot vs. mascot combat modeling to predict the victors of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. I have skipped years here and there, but I am excited to present it on The Real Charlie this year. Thanks as always to Adam for getting me rolling on this each year.
EAST
Play In Game: Coppin St. Eagles vs. Mount St. Mary’s Mountaineers: Birds against armed hillbillies? Back to the nest, chirpie. Mountaineers.
UNC Tar Heels vs. Mount St. Mary’s Mountaineers: Your alpenstocks will do you no good against, um, gooey asphalt? Tar Heels.
Indiana Hoosiers vs. Arkansas Razorbacks: The sharp-spined pigs will slash away at whatever Hoosiers are. Razorbacks.
Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. George Mason Patriots: I saw enough angry drunks on my way home from work on Monday to know how tough the sons of Erin can be. Salute your flag and go home, Georgie’s boys. Fighting Irish.
Washington St. Cougars vs. Winthrop Eagles: Mammals usually beat birds. Cougars.
Oklahoma Sooners vs. St. Joseph’s Hawks: Again, I have to go against the birds. Just think about the feather mites! Sooners.
Louisville Cardinals vs. Boise St. Broncos: What is it with all of these birds? I mean, their bones are hollow, you know. Broncos.
Butler Bulldogs vs. So. Alabama Jaguars: Wild cats over little pugs. Jaguars.
Tennessee Volunteers vs. American Eagles: Oh come on, that name is just cliché. Volunteers.
MIDWEST
Kansas Jayhawks vs. Portland St. Vikings: The Norsemen will live up to their merciless reputation. Vikings.
UNLV Runnin Rebels vs. Kent St. Golden Flashes: The rebs will run home to their mommies, and Kent St. will, um, expose themselves? Golden Flashes.
Clemson Tigers vs. Villanova Wildcats: I hate feline on feline combat, but I usually pick specific over general, so: Tigers.
Vanderbilt Commodores vs. Siena Saints: The ancient PCs will send these saints marchin’ out. Next year, how about upgrading to the Amigas? Commodores.
USC Trojans vs. Kansas St. Wildcats: Latex won’t be enough to protect USC from nature raw in tooth and claw. Wildcats.
Wisconsin Badgers vs. CSU Fullerton Titans: Rodents never stand a chance against demigods! Titans.
Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. Davidson Wildcats: The eternal battles of cats vs. dogs, and wild vs. domestic. Wildcats.
Georgetown Hoyas vs. UMBC Retrievers: Fetch me my slippers, you dogs are done. Hoyas.
SOUTH
Memphis Tigers vs. Texas Arlington Mavericks: Why do people even bother against wild animals? Tigers.
Miss. St. Bulldogs vs. Oregon Ducks: Quack, quack, quack. These dogs at least have a chance against a bunch of waddlers. Bulldogs.
Michigan St. Spartans vs. Temple Owls: Whooo will lose? More birds disappear in a puff of feathers. Spartans.
Pittsburgh Panthers vs. Oral Roberts Golden Eagles: Again with the birds. Also: Oral? Panthers.
Marquette Golden Eagles vs. Kentucky Wildcats: This is tiresome. Come on, only New Zealand was the Land of Birds, and look how that turned out? See any Moas lately? Wildcats.
Stanford Cardinal vs. Cornell Big Red: I am breaking form to pick Cornell, because my father went there, and other wise this basically a battle of colors, and I don’t have a good chewing gum joke. Big Red.
Miami Hurricanes vs. St. Mary’s Gaels: Forces of nature are almost unbeatable. Hurricanes.
Texas Longhorns vs. Austin Peay Governors: We all recently learned about what happens when governors get too horny. Longhorns.
WEST
UCLA Bruins vs. Miss. Valley St. Delta Devils: The old basic rule of MascotMatcher ™ was always to go with Satan. Now, we’re for the Lord, or at least da bears. Bruins.
BYU Cougars vs. Texas A&M Aggies: Knee length shorts or not, these cats will be buried by the sons of the soil. Aggies.
Drake Bulldogs vs. West Kentucky Hilltoppers: Back to your stills and your cousin-wives. Woof! Bulldogs.
UConn Huskies vs. San Diego Toreros: They may fight bulls, but against these fierce dogs from the Nutmeg State, they will use their capes as crying towels. Huskies.
Purdue Boilermakers vs. Baylor Bears: Hard to beat a good stiff drink. Boilermakers.
Xavier Musketeers vs. Georgia Bulldogs: It is also hard to beat men with guns. Musketeers.
West Virginia Mountaineers vs. Arizona Wildcats: Once you’ve beaten black lung, some feral kitties are easy prey. Mountaineers.
Duke Blue Devils vs. Belmont Bruins: See above. Bears, Satan, blah, blah, blah. Bruins.
I am not into basketball at all, but this absolutely makes it interesting! Now I can think about the mascots and uniforms while the Baby Daddy watches the games. Aaah Charlie, bringing harmony to marriages everywhere. :)
Posted by: E | March 26, 2008 at 11:02 AM