Since 1991, with a few breaks (like the year Roxanne was born), I have selected the winners of at least the first round of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament based on an analysis of how their mascots perform in one-on-one combat. In 1991 I won a pool at my college that led to a quantity of money coming to me. I no longer gamble on sports, but I feel obliged to share the results of this year's first round match ups for Entertainment Purposes Only. This year, to prevent "seed bias," Abby read me the pairings in no particular order and I had at it. So here we go:
MIDWEST
Florida Gators vs. Jackson State Tigers: The age of the mammals is coming to an end. I for one welcome our new reptile overlords! Gators.
Arizona Wildcats vs. Purdue Boilermakers: It's awfully hard to beat a good, stiff drink. L'chaim! Boilermakers.
Butler Bulldogs vs. Old Dominion Monarchs: These pups are mere lap dogs for His Majesty! Monarchs.
Maryland Terrapins vs. Davidson Wildcats: We know about the tortoise and the hare, but did you hear about the tortoise and the ferocious feral felines? That one ends differently. Wildcats.
Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. Winthrop Eagles: Based a bar confrontation a few St. Patrick's Days ago, I know how the Fighting Irish do against the Slightly Buzzed Jew (the Jew runs like hell). They do similarly against these raptors. Birds of prey? Think birds of pray. Fighting Irish.
Oregon Ducks vs. Miami RedHawks: There'll be no space for the ducks, either! Dabble back to the Cascades, mallards. RedHawks.
UNLV Runnin' Rebels vs. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets: Come on, who CAN'T beat a jaundiced jacket? Please. Runnin' Rebels.
Wisconsin Badgers vs. Texas A&M Corpus Christi Islanders: Once they face these fearsome rodents, these Aggies of the Sea will surely be wishing for the resurrection. Forget the laurels, they'll be lucky for a crown of thorns. I could go on, but I've blasphemed enough for this round. Badgers.
WEST
Kansas Jayhawks vs. Florida A&M Rattlers: Never underestimate the power of venom. Rattlers.
Kentucky Wildcats vs. Villanova Wildcats: What happens when two teams are destined to fight like two cats in a sack? I flipped a coin. Villanova Wildcats.
Virginia Tech Hokies vs. Illinois Fighting Illini: Ethnic stereotypes always do well in this thing. No peace pipe in this game. Fighting Illini
Southern Illinois Salukis vs. Holy Cross Crusaders: Holy Cross will ravage the Salukis like a band of armed and feverish Rhineland peasants passing through the Mainz ghetto on their way to Jerusalem. Crusaders.
Duke Blue Devils vs. VCU Rams: These satanic men from tobacco road will smoke the Rams like it was Rosh Hashanah. Blue Devils.
Pittsburgh Panthers vs. Wright State Raiders: It is hard to overstate how powerful "big cats" are in these tournaments. No meow mix for these kitties, they're eating raider! Panthers.
Indiana Hoosiers vs. Gonzaga Bulldogs: Better check these pups for rabies, 'cause they just bit these, um, guys and hard! Bulldogs.
UCLA Bruins vs. Weber State Wildcats: It sounds like an illegal bloodsport: bears vs. cats. This time, I have to go with the bear. Bruins.
EAST
UNC Tar Heels vs. Eastern Kentucky Colonels: Full bird colonels against some sort of what, sludge? Roofing materials? Colonels.
Marquette Golden Eagles vs. Michigan State Spartans: I haven't seen "300," but I read Thucydides and I know how that story ends. Spartans.
USC Trojans vs. Arkansas Razorbacks: A horse might work, but a hog? Who's up for bacon this morning? Trojans.
Texas Longhorns vs. New Mexico State Aggies: Even though I once saw the actual Longhorn mascot put on a pathetic show against the Boilermaker (quoth my friend Lia: "that steer is phoning it in") at the old Fleet Center in Boston, I have to pick their sharp horns against the soft, yielding farm boys of New Mexico. Longhorns.
Vanderbilt Commodores vs. George Washington Colonials: Do I make a naval joke, or a computer geek joke, or do I just acknowledge that my boss went to Vanderbilt? Commodores.
Washington State Cougars vs. Oral Roberts Golden Eagles: Number one, big cats do well. Number two, oral? Cougars.
Boston College Eagles vs. Texas Tech Red Raiders: Be they Indians or Communists, these raiders will leave the first round with feathers in their caps. Red Raiders.
Georgetown Hoyas vs. Belmont Bruins: I can't "bear" to come up with anymore "Hoya" jokes. Maul 'em! Bruins.
SOUTH
Ohio State Buckeyes vs. Central Connecticut State Blue Devils: Who dares to face even the derivative and blatantly copies from Duke power of the Prince of Darkness? Satan is a nutmegger now. Blue Devils.
BYU Cougars vs. Xavier Musketeers: "All for one and one for all" works well for armed men, less so for guys whose great grandfathers were doubling and tripling up on the wives. And make sure their shorts are long enough! Musketeers.
Tennessee Volunteers vs. Long Beach State 49ers: What are they volunteering for? To lose! There's gold in them thar hoopsters. 49ers.
Virginia Cavaliers vs. Albany Great Danes: They named their team after a pet? What's next, the Poodles or maybe the Salukis? Oh wait. Cavaliers.
Louisville Cardinals vs. Stanford Cardinal: Plural against singular, birds against the color of the bird, just very weird either way. There is strength in numbers: Louisville Cardinals.
Texas A&M Aggies vs. Pennsylvania Quakers: Pacifism has no place on the basketball court. Good meeting, brothers. Now go home. Aggies.
Nevada Wolf Pack vs. Creighton Bluejays: Obviously I pick a band of wild canines over what we birders consider a "junk bird." Wolf Pack.
Memphis Tigers vs. North Texas Mean Green: My wife feels that the Mean Green is awfully reminiscent of the Delta State Fighting Okra she encountered in Mississippi. "That okra looked mean," she claims. But the tiger can eat that right up. Tigers.
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If I offended you, your religion, your ethnic group or your agricultural alma mater in this post, you have my apologies. The madness of the season sometimes gets the best of me. Last year I was 28-4 in the first round. Let's see how MascotMatcher(TM) does this year!
My mother, who knows absolutely not a thing about sports, once won an NFL playoffs office pool with the following set of mascot-based selection rules:
* Animals over non-animals
* Cats over other animals
* Green Bay Packers over everyone else.
I'm not sure of the origin of the third rule, but it worked for her.
Posted by: carla | March 15, 2007 at 12:32 AM