The Real Charlie

MascotMatcher(TM) 2008

This is the 17th anniversary of the first run of MascotMatcher™, the system that uses mascot vs. mascot combat modeling to predict the victors of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. I have skipped years here and there, but I am excited to present it on The Real Charlie this year. Thanks as always to Adam  for getting me rolling on this each year.

EAST

Play In Game: Coppin St. Eagles vs. Mount St. Mary’s Mountaineers: Birds against armed hillbillies? Back to the nest, chirpie. Mountaineers.

UNC Tar Heels vs. Mount St. Mary’s Mountaineers: Your alpenstocks will do you no good against, um, gooey asphalt? Tar Heels.

Indiana Hoosiers vs. Arkansas Razorbacks: The sharp-spined pigs will slash away at whatever Hoosiers are. Razorbacks.

Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. George Mason Patriots: I saw enough angry drunks on my way home from work on Monday to know how tough the sons of Erin can be. Salute your flag and go home, Georgie’s boys. Fighting Irish.

Washington St. Cougars vs. Winthrop Eagles: Mammals usually beat birds. Cougars.

Oklahoma Sooners vs. St. Joseph’s Hawks: Again, I have to go against the birds. Just think about the feather mites! Sooners.

Louisville Cardinals vs. Boise St. Broncos: What is it with all of these birds? I mean, their bones are hollow, you know. Broncos.

Butler Bulldogs vs. So. Alabama Jaguars: Wild cats over little pugs. Jaguars.

Tennessee Volunteers vs. American Eagles: Oh come on, that name is just cliché. Volunteers.

MIDWEST

Kansas Jayhawks vs. Portland St. Vikings: The Norsemen will live up to their merciless reputation. Vikings.

UNLV Runnin Rebels vs. Kent St. Golden Flashes: The rebs will run home to their mommies, and Kent St. will, um, expose themselves? Golden Flashes.

Clemson Tigers vs. Villanova Wildcats: I hate feline on feline combat, but I usually pick specific over general, so: Tigers.

Vanderbilt Commodores vs. Siena Saints: The ancient PCs will send these saints marchin’ out. Next year, how about upgrading to the Amigas? Commodores.

USC Trojans vs. Kansas St. Wildcats: Latex won’t be enough to protect USC from nature raw in tooth and claw. Wildcats.

Wisconsin Badgers vs. CSU Fullerton Titans: Rodents never stand a chance against demigods! Titans.

Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. Davidson Wildcats: The eternal battles of cats vs. dogs, and wild vs. domestic. Wildcats.

Georgetown Hoyas vs. UMBC Retrievers: Fetch me my slippers, you dogs are done. Hoyas.

SOUTH

Memphis Tigers vs. Texas Arlington Mavericks: Why do people even bother against wild animals? Tigers.

Miss. St. Bulldogs vs. Oregon Ducks: Quack, quack, quack. These dogs at least have a chance against a bunch of waddlers. Bulldogs.

Michigan St. Spartans vs. Temple Owls: Whooo will lose? More birds disappear in a puff of feathers. Spartans.

Pittsburgh Panthers vs. Oral Roberts Golden Eagles: Again with the birds. Also: Oral? Panthers.

Marquette Golden Eagles vs. Kentucky Wildcats: This is tiresome. Come on, only New Zealand was the Land of Birds, and look how that turned out? See any Moas lately? Wildcats.

Stanford Cardinal vs. Cornell Big Red: I am breaking form to pick Cornell, because my father went there, and other wise this basically a battle of colors, and I don’t have a good chewing gum joke. Big Red.

Miami Hurricanes vs. St. Mary’s Gaels: Forces of nature are almost unbeatable. Hurricanes.

Texas Longhorns vs. Austin Peay Governors: We all recently learned about what happens when governors get too horny. Longhorns.

WEST

UCLA Bruins vs. Miss. Valley St. Delta Devils: The old basic rule of MascotMatcher ™ was always to go with Satan. Now, we’re for the Lord, or at least da bears. Bruins.

BYU Cougars vs. Texas A&M Aggies: Knee length shorts or not, these cats will be buried by the sons of the soil. Aggies.

Drake Bulldogs vs. West Kentucky Hilltoppers: Back to your stills and your cousin-wives. Woof! Bulldogs.

UConn Huskies vs. San Diego Toreros: They may fight bulls, but against these fierce dogs from the Nutmeg State, they will use their capes as crying towels. Huskies.

Purdue Boilermakers vs. Baylor Bears: Hard to beat a good stiff drink. Boilermakers.

Xavier Musketeers vs. Georgia Bulldogs: It is also hard to beat men with guns. Musketeers.

West Virginia Mountaineers vs. Arizona Wildcats: Once you’ve beaten black lung, some feral kitties are easy prey. Mountaineers.

Duke Blue Devils vs. Belmont Bruins: See above. Bears, Satan, blah, blah, blah. Bruins.

Thanks

Thanks for a great season and a sweep, guys. Sorry I couldn't have stayed up later to cheer with you, but those girls get up at 6:30 come what may, and they do sometimes call for daddy (or "big daddy," as Stella has taken to calling me). Now for the off season. I'd love to see:

1) Lowell re-signed, at almost any price.
2) Schilling back, but not at any price.
3) An end to the idiotic "Yankees Suck" narrative of baseball life in Boston. In 2004 we got to the Championship through them, in most dramatic fashion. This year, they were a sideshow and a non-issue in the post-season. Let's give the vitriol and the hype a rest and play the game.

I find the winter without baseball long and dull. I may need to start reading, or catching up on my filing, or keeping up my frenetic blogging of the past week.

Biting of the Bullet, Running of the Tots and Winning of the Game

1) Remember this post, where I bemoaned the poor performance of my unnamed CTA account? I bit the bullet and began the process of selling it. The process, I say, because it takes three months. In October I filed to sell my LP stake. In November, my stake is liquidated and I am no longer a holder. In December, I get my net proceeds. I expect to almost exactly  break even on a net basis, before taxes. I'm still researching alternatives, and won't be reinvesting the proceeds until January or February of next year. My guess is that it will be a mix of a 1X0/X0 mutual fund (Diamond Hill Long/Short, or something like it), long commodity exposure through an ETF or the like, and maybe some foreign exchange exposure, probably in the context of a fund that tries to do that and some other useful things. Stay tuned, if you care.

2) So now we know that Roxanne does not need to run the bases at the playground for the Sox to win a World Series game. Just to be safe, I took both girls to the park today for some playtime, some fresh air and some base running drills. The real field was in use (by a real youth team, in October no less!) so we made our own mini-field, Daddy served as roving base and everyone got to tag him. It was fun and good exercise, but substantiated in my mind my nagging suspicion that I am going deaf in one ear, because between the kids at the park, the wind and the leaf blowers down the block I could hear about half of what Roxanne and Stella were saying to me. I need to see the ear doctor.

3) I'll have my Dice K shirt on tonight, and I'll be hoping for the best. The Sox have looked so strong thus far, but Lester is a distinctly weaker and younger pitcher than the other starters, and the bullpen worked pretty hard last night. I wouldn't be shocked to see us playing again tomorrow night. But I'd love a sweep, and to see Papelbon dancing again.

Game 2

Tonight is about validating a superstition. Roxanne says that the Red Sox won last night because she ran the bases at the playground yesterday. I say it because I wore my Matsuzaka jersey to work. I wore my jersey again today, but Roxanne had contractual obligations this afternoon and didn't get to the playground. Tomorrow, we'll see whose juju is stronger - me or the tot. Go Sox!

Tessie Always Carried Them Away

Roxanne took a nap yesterday, which means that her bedtime gets pushed back from 6:30 to 9:00. I got her out of Abby's hair by taking her out shopping for some Red Sox garb for me to wear to work -  we are encouraged to wear Sox stuff on game days, last time I did not turn up in something I got grief from the office mates, and I don't like to wear a hat at work. We went to four stores looking for a Youkilis jersey -  he is a landsman, after all - but they were all sold out. "No Youkilis, no Papelbon, no Ellsbury," I was told. Gagne was available in abundance, though. I settled on Matsuzaka, #18, white home jersey. Roxanne was patient, and enjoyed watching daddy try on different shirts and being asked her opinion ("White, daddy, not red! That's mommy's color!"). I wore my Matsuzaka shirt today - with a button down, necktie and dress slacks, of course!

I actually went to game 1 of the 2004 World Series, and it was awesome. Fenway was literally shaking, and I have never seen so many happy people (or so many armed police) in my life. We had great seats, thanks to my friend Chad's father and the inability of Chad's wife and my friend Lia to attend. Her pediatrician suggested that bringing a ten day old baby to Fenway Park in October was not such a hot idea, but failed in his bid to snag her ticket.

So yeah, World Series fever is in full effect here in Boston and at The Real Charlie. As if I needed to tell you that. Go Sox.

Thanks oh thanks

I went to bed in the fifth inning and woke up to good news. My office was like a zombie convention today, but without the brain eating, and giddier. Except for the boss, who got picked for a jury. He was not giddy, but neither was he eating brains.

Anyway, nice job guys, and keep it up.

Please oh please

...win this game tonight. Come on, Daisuke, you can do it. Don't make me yell at the TV and wake up my sleeping children.

Special message to the college kids in the city: don't be stupid after the game, win or lose. It makes us all look bad.

GO SOX!

MascotMatcher(TM) 2007

Since 1991, with a few breaks (like the year Roxanne was born), I have selected the winners of at least the first round of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament based on an analysis of how their mascots perform in one-on-one combat. In 1991 I won a pool at my college that led to a quantity of money coming to me. I no longer gamble on sports, but I feel obliged to share the results of this year's first round match ups for Entertainment Purposes Only. This year, to prevent "seed bias," Abby read me the pairings in no particular order and I had at it. So here we go:

MIDWEST

Florida Gators vs. Jackson State Tigers: The age of the mammals is coming to an end.  I for one welcome our new reptile overlords! Gators.

Arizona Wildcats vs. Purdue Boilermakers:  It's awfully hard to beat a good, stiff drink. L'chaim! Boilermakers.

Butler Bulldogs vs. Old Dominion Monarchs: These pups are mere lap dogs  for His Majesty! Monarchs.

Maryland Terrapins vs. Davidson Wildcats: We know about the tortoise and the hare, but did you hear about the tortoise and the ferocious feral felines? That one ends differently. Wildcats.

Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. Winthrop Eagles: Based a bar confrontation a few St. Patrick's Days ago, I know how the Fighting Irish do against the Slightly Buzzed Jew (the Jew runs like hell). They do similarly against these raptors. Birds of prey? Think birds of pray. Fighting Irish.

Oregon Ducks vs. Miami RedHawks: There'll be no space for the ducks, either! Dabble back to the Cascades, mallards. RedHawks.

UNLV Runnin' Rebels vs. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets: Come on, who CAN'T beat a jaundiced jacket? Please. Runnin' Rebels.

Wisconsin Badgers vs. Texas A&M Corpus Christi Islanders: Once they face these fearsome rodents, these Aggies of the Sea will surely be wishing for the resurrection. Forget the laurels, they'll be lucky for a crown of thorns. I could go on, but I've blasphemed enough for this round. Badgers.

WEST

Kansas Jayhawks vs. Florida A&M Rattlers: Never underestimate the power of venom. Rattlers.

Kentucky Wildcats vs. Villanova Wildcats: What happens when two teams are destined to fight like two cats in a sack? I flipped a coin. Villanova Wildcats.

Virginia Tech Hokies vs. Illinois Fighting Illini: Ethnic stereotypes always do well in this thing. No peace pipe in this game. Fighting Illini

Southern Illinois Salukis vs. Holy Cross Crusaders: Holy Cross will ravage the Salukis like a band of armed and feverish Rhineland peasants passing through the Mainz ghetto on their way to Jerusalem. Crusaders.

Duke Blue Devils vs. VCU Rams: These satanic men from tobacco road will smoke the Rams like it was Rosh Hashanah. Blue Devils.

Pittsburgh Panthers vs. Wright State Raiders: It is hard to overstate how powerful "big cats" are in these tournaments. No meow mix for these kitties, they're eating raider! Panthers.

Indiana Hoosiers vs. Gonzaga Bulldogs: Better check these pups for rabies, 'cause they just bit these, um, guys and hard! Bulldogs.

UCLA Bruins vs. Weber State Wildcats: It sounds like an illegal bloodsport: bears vs. cats. This time, I have to go with the bear. Bruins.

EAST

UNC Tar Heels vs. Eastern Kentucky Colonels: Full bird colonels against some sort of what, sludge? Roofing materials? Colonels.

Marquette Golden Eagles vs. Michigan State Spartans: I haven't seen "300," but I read Thucydides and I know how that story ends. Spartans.

USC Trojans vs. Arkansas Razorbacks: A horse might work, but a hog? Who's up for bacon this morning? Trojans.

Texas Longhorns vs. New Mexico State Aggies: Even though I once saw the actual Longhorn mascot put on a pathetic show against the Boilermaker (quoth my friend Lia: "that steer is phoning it in") at the old Fleet Center in Boston, I have to pick their sharp horns against the soft, yielding farm boys of New Mexico. Longhorns.

Vanderbilt Commodores vs. George Washington Colonials:  Do I make a naval joke, or a computer geek joke, or do I just acknowledge that my boss went to Vanderbilt? Commodores.

Washington State Cougars vs. Oral Roberts Golden Eagles: Number one, big cats do well. Number two, oral? Cougars.

Boston College Eagles vs. Texas Tech Red Raiders: Be they Indians or Communists, these raiders will leave the first round with feathers in their caps. Red Raiders.

Georgetown Hoyas vs. Belmont Bruins: I can't "bear" to come up with anymore "Hoya" jokes. Maul 'em! Bruins.

SOUTH

Ohio State Buckeyes vs. Central Connecticut State Blue Devils: Who dares to face even the derivative and blatantly copies from Duke power of the Prince of Darkness? Satan is a nutmegger now. Blue Devils.

BYU Cougars vs. Xavier Musketeers: "All for one and one for all" works well for armed men, less so for guys whose great grandfathers were doubling and tripling up on the wives. And make sure their shorts are long enough! Musketeers.

Tennessee Volunteers vs. Long Beach State 49ers: What are they volunteering for? To lose! There's gold in them thar hoopsters. 49ers.

Virginia Cavaliers vs. Albany Great Danes: They named their team after a pet? What's next, the Poodles or maybe the Salukis? Oh wait. Cavaliers.

Louisville Cardinals vs. Stanford Cardinal: Plural against singular, birds against the color of the bird, just very weird either way. There is strength in numbers: Louisville Cardinals.

Texas A&M Aggies vs. Pennsylvania Quakers: Pacifism has no place on the basketball court. Good meeting, brothers. Now go home. Aggies.

Nevada Wolf Pack vs. Creighton Bluejays: Obviously I pick a band of wild canines over what we birders consider a "junk bird." Wolf Pack.

Memphis Tigers vs. North Texas Mean Green: My wife feels that the Mean Green is awfully reminiscent of the Delta State Fighting Okra she encountered in Mississippi. "That okra looked mean," she claims. But the tiger can eat that right up. Tigers.

*********************************************

If I offended you, your religion, your ethnic group or your agricultural alma mater in this post, you have my apologies. The madness of the season sometimes gets the best of me. Last year I was 28-4 in the first round. Let's see how MascotMatcher(TM) does this year!

 

 

Football, Fatherhood and Beer

Taking a halftime blogging break here. I am not a big football fan but I do enjoy the hype of the Super Bowl most years. I am for the Bears, mainly because of my deep loathing for the Colts as the Patriots' nemesis and because of my two years in Baltimore. Especially back then (1994-1996), pre-Ravens, with a lousy CFL team playing in the old Memorial Stadium, people were still hurting something awful from the Colts' departure. When I myself left, on not wonderful terms, I purposefully hired Mayflower as my mover, as if anyone cared to see me go.

Super Bowl is the only time we eat dinner in front of the TV. Roxanne joined us (Stella was asleep) and, as a kid who watches about 30 minutes of Mr. Rogers DVDs each week as far as TV goes, was mesmerized and fascinated by the commercials and the game. "What are they doing now, daddy?" "Look, dere's fire coming from dat car!" "Is that daddy drinking a beer?" Take away lesson: football is a bit turgid for a nearly three year old. Just wait until I sit her down for a Red Sox game.

On the subject of beer, I had two nice super hoppy beers with my Cook's Illustrated nachos  (thanks, Abby) tonight: a Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA and a Victory Hop Wallop.  Good stuff, and I may be able to taste other flavors by Wednesday.